2017’s More Realistic Holiday Newsletter

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After reading a few glowing family newsletters, I am more inspired than ever to continue the tradition of the Yardley’s More Realistic Holiday Newsletter. If you ever wanted to see how we really live, this is the way to do it. And here we go!

2017 started with a bang and ended with a whimper. LUKE travels constantly for work, leaving disasters in his wake whenever he is gone. He comes home to scorpion stings, town massacres, and a nearly-blind wife. He’s leaving again in January, so please stock up on emergency essentials and hunker down until he returns and the cosmos properly realigns.

MERCEDES acquired an awesome new agent, a life-threatening scorpion sting, and acute iritis in one eye, leaving her with a blown pupil, vision difficulties, and worsening her anxiety problem. One of these things was heartily celebrated with cake.

NIKOLAI is now in high school. The best part, besides his aid Miss Marci, is that he can wear anything he wants instead of a school uniform. Because of his favorite shirt, he is now called Commander Chimposwki.

NINA cut her hair short and is constantly mistaken for a boy. In fact, only today her substitute teacher called her “he” several times until Nina said, “My name literally means girl.” The sarcasm is strong with this one. I’m so proud to call her my son.

LILIA is afraid of: the dark, the bathroom, being alone, scary movies, not-so-scary movies, sleeping alone, sleeping by someone, hotel rooms, being late for school, being too early for school, dogs, and songs with the lyrics changed.

MARSH CAT is a magical thing who loves to rub his fluffy, fluffy self against us so we break out into hives and rashes. He’s the most stable member of the family, and knows it.

RUSH THE TURTLE hates everyone and everything, except Pierce Brosnan. He’s the only one she’s come out of her log for. She flips everyone else off with all four feet.

LAS VEGAS was shot up by an insane man with unfathomable weapons. We were not injured, but were in that area not long before with our ten-year-old daughter. I saw the best and worst of humanity that night. We are #VegasStrong.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! May you be well! And may you write your own, realistic holiday newsletters so we can share them. ❤

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I Like To Eat Hair, And Other Thoughts From The Kiddos.

So perhaps some of you have seen this fun meme going around. You ask your kiddos a question without prompting them, and write down what they say. It’s a bit eye-opening and so much fun!

Here were the answers from my five-year-old:

*What is something I say a lot?

Happy things.

*What makes me happy?

Hugging and kissing

*What makes me sad?

When we do naughty things.

*How tall am I?

This tall (points at my head)

*What’s my favorite thing to do?

Do laundry

*What is my favorite thing to eat?

Waffles

*What’s my favorite drink?

Coke

*What’s my favorite color?

Blue

*If I could go anywhere, where would it be?

To McDonalds

*Do you think you could live without me?

No

*What is my favorite TV show?

Scary shows 

*How old am I?

Really big.

 

And these were the answers from my nine-year-old.

*What is something I say a lot?

“Nina, Lilia, Niko.”

*What makes me happy?

Our family

*What makes me sad?

When one of your friends get killed.

*How tall am I?

Tall 

*What’s my favorite thing to do?

Write and hang out with dad.

*What is my favorite thing to eat?

My hair

*What’s my favorite drink?

Coke

*What’s my favorite color?

Blue

*If I could go anywhere, where would it be?

Seattle or Orgeon

*Do you think you could live without me?

Nooooooo.I would not be alive without you.

*What is my favorite TV show?

Any murder shows. 

*How old am I?

37

It was fun to hear their answers, about how I hate having my friends killed but love laundry and McDonalds. One of those statements was absolutely true.

Anyway, if you choose to do this with any small children, please let me know! I’d love to hear how they’d sum you up.

 

This Mother’s Day Thing Is A Mixed Bag

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We love our mothers. Of course we love our mothers. But they drive us crazy. They raised us wonderfully/strangely/amazingly/poorly or they didn’t raise us at all. They fill us with love or hate or guilt or horror or remorse. We take care of them or they take care of us. Perhaps we have never met them. Perhaps we like it that way. Perhaps we spend our entire lives searching for them. What if we lost them to death and the thought is still to much to bear? Mothers fill us with emotion. But they make us So. Very. Tired.

No matter how you feel about your mother, somebody will tell you you’re wrong. She’s sweet but overbearing. She was abusive but at least you had a mother. She was missing or dead but at least she wasn’t abusive. Be grateful for what you have. Think of all of the other people out there who love/hate/avoid their mothers. They really had it bad. You’re lucky and ungrateful.

Happy Mother’s Day.

We love our kids. Of course we love our kids. But they drive us crazy. They disobey and spill things on the carpet. They get into our things and date people that scare us. All three of them try to sit on our laps at the same time. They’re always in the hospital. They’re always in rehab. They scrape their knees and pierce their faces and take razors to their skin and hurt our hearts. They make us so incredibly happy and so desperately sad. They want their arms around us 24/7 when we need a break or won’t hug us when we’re dying for their affection. Perhaps we’ve lost one or two or several, and Mother’s Day reminds us keenly. Children are made of kisses and starlight and demons and magic and they make us So. Very. Tired.

No matter how you feel about your children, somebody will tell you you’re wrong. If you’re weary from not sleeping through the night for 16 months or for crying about their newest and greatest hurt, somebody will tell you to think of those who can’t have children. Who would be grateful for the nights spent worrying, calling their friends and hospitals looking for them, for helping them through their nightmares, for finding out that you couldn’t protect them from the monsters in their lives. Think of all of the women who would be better mothers to your children. You’re lucky and ungrateful.

Happy Mother’s Day.

There are women who are mothers, but not physically. They’re teachers, aunts, babysitters, Nana’s, friends, family by blood or by mutual decision. Perhaps they ache because they have no children of their own. Perhaps it’s by choice.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Single fathers, who do all of the work, go to all of the plays, and fall asleep in front of the TV at night.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Individuals who want nothing to do with children at all, but have pearls and cards and chocolate advertisements shoved in their faces.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I know people who love the holiday. I know people who hate the holiday. It can stir up the happiest and darkest of emotions. I have friends who won’t come to church on Mother’s Day because the speakers wax on about their virtuous mothers, and it makes my friends feel inadequate. It feels like a day where we’re judged. Put on a pedestal or judged too harshly or perhaps we have distorted views of ourselves. We see ourselves when we’re frazzled and stressed and sick and we’re feeding everybody cold cereal for dinner. It’s easy to forget the love and cuddles when all we can see is that we can’t afford the money or time for a child’s gymnastic’s class or football practice.

Let’s forget the judgement. Let’s be kind. Celebrate this Mother’s Day, and give each other (and yourself) a pat on the back. Enough with the Mommy Wars, the Gender Wars, and every other single kind of war that saps us of our energy.

Happy Mother’s Day.

SURPRISE!!

I wrote a post a few weeks ago celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary.  I’d been feeling a bit unwell lately, so imagine my darling husband’s surprise when, after our anniversary dinner, I shouted “SURPRISE!” and announced that I’d just discovered that we were having our third child.  How wonderful! How unexpected! A surprise indeed.

Then we were robbed ten days later.  SURPRISE!

Today’s surprise took place at the first ultrasound. My dear friends, I am not exaggerating in the least when I tell you that my breath was taken away.  We saw the baby for the first time.  Then, SURPRISE!  There’s another baby!  Twins!  We’re having twins!  I couldn’t believe it.  Can you believe it?

But since we never do anything halfway, SURPRISE, SURPRISE, there are actually three babies.  That’s right. Triplets.  Suddenly we will go from two kids to five.  I can’t wrap my head around it, yet.  Although excited, I don’t think that my heart can take any more surprises.  At least for another day or two. 😛

So let me reel for a while. And then we party! Celebrate with me! 😀